you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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