did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
