um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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