on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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