I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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