11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
