Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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