I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
