There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
