allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Randomize
