in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
