I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize