Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
