wanna go halves on a baby?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
