I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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