I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
