my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He felt like a one man threesome
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
