dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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