You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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