ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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