Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Drake has all the answers
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
