Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
