i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
