Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
