she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
