and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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