Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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