She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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