New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
