I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
