i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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