if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
