Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
