So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
