I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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