Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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