don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
