this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
