I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
