p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
