Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Enjoy the penises
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
