Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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