Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i will never coherently bang her
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
