the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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