I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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