i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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