all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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