i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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