Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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