Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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