did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
sarcasm needs its own font
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
