he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
