I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You did what with his pubic hair?
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