Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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