Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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