mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
