I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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