im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
3 2 1 whiskey
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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