fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
