oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
